Apolo Ohno is Saved!! Enter new MORTAL ENEMY

For years there was a name no westerner dared utter in polite Korean society. There was one man so hated by the Korean people, so scorned by the Korean media, so seemingly worthy of the weight of all of Korea’s sternest condemnation. That man? The dreaded Apolo Anton Ohno!

Merely alluding to his existence was enough to cloud the brightest sky and make the happiest children break into screaming fits. The visceral hatred of Apolo Ohno had the power to drive Marxists into the arms Capitalists, bring protesters together with CEOs, North Korea together with South. Korea was unified in its loathing of this man.

His coercive power and blatant duplicity was legend on the Peninsula. Of course he had bribed the Olympic judges, Koreans argued in unison. Of course, he abused the diplomatic and military power of the United States to steal the gold from Korea’s poor, innocent hands (it’s a well-known secret in Korea that the United States has a long tradition of putting all of its global and domestic power in the hands of the country’s best short-track skaters). To hear a Korean speak of him, one would assume Ohno snacked on grilled Korean children for breakfast, raped Korean women for entertainment, and wiped his ass with the shredded remains of King Sejong’s own Han-bok. That this monster dared to show his face in public was an affront to Koreans everywhere.

This all changed last night. There’s a new enemy in town.

Watch out, China! Korea’s wrath knows no bounds.