Smug Interviewer: How did you hear about the position here at Cocksuckers Inc.?
Even more Smug Me: Well, you see these days I try to apply to just about anything that I’m capable of doing. Though, I seem to recall stumbling across your ad after I applied for a position changing bedpans at the local insane asylum.
Interviewer: Why would you like to work here at Cocksuckers Inc.?
Me: That’s a good question. And, I must confess, I haven’t spent all that long thinking up an appropriate answer. If pressed, however, I’d say my motivations were mostly gastronomical.
Interviewer: . . . gastronomical??
Me: Yes, ma’am. You see, even before the recession, my wife and I had already acquired a nasty habit of eating on a regular basis—three times a day sometimes. And, I must tell you, it’s been a terribly difficult habit to break.
Interviewer: Are there any other reasons?
Me: Well, now that you mention it, yes. We’ve also grown accustom to living indoors. Now, don’t get me wrong; we do like to go camping. But sometimes we like to be able to sit comfortably inside, wash our clothes in a machine, and use appliances that don’t require Colman fuel. Another nasty little habit, I’m afraid.
Interviewer: So what do you think your background and experience will add to this company?
Me: Well, how would you like to learn more about 19th-century Spanish liberalism?
Interviewer: What I mean is that most of the applicants we’ve spoken with have had a background in Business Administration, Economics, or Marketing. You have a more colorful background in, let’s see . . . , oh, history. How do you think that would add to the talent here at Cocksuckers Inc.?
Me: Ah, well, depending on how you look at it, my background may add nothing to the “talent” here. I’ve never read a profit loss account, and I’ve never cared to see a balance sheet. That said, after spending two years as a Graduate TA teaching and reading the work of students with backgrounds not dissimilar to those you’ve just described, I can confidently say that many of them have never done their own research, composed a piece of readable prose, or passed a course without hiring someone to write their term papers. So, considering the field of applicants, I think my background makes me fairly competitive.
Interviewer: I see that you’ve done a lot of teaching. Why have you decided to pursue a different career at this point?
Me: You mean apart from the desire my wife and I have of eating regularly and living indoors?
Interviewer: Yes, sir. Apart from that.
Me: Well, let’s just say I had a more interesting adolescence than most.
Interviewer: I’m not sure I follow you.
Me: Oh, well, you know how in high school all your friends were joining clubs and taking the SAT each year?
Me: Well, it was almost exactly the same for me and my friends, except instead of joining clubs and taking the SAT we were smoking an unfathomable amount of pot and eating copious amounts LSD. You wouldn’t believe the things you’ll do when the entire world looks like the inside of a marshmallow! And, apparently, when you apply to work at a public school in the US, they actually look into that. Considering the quality of the teachers I had in school, I tend to think this is a relatively new policy.
Interviewer: I also see that you’ve done a lot of traveling over the past decade.
Me: Yep, four continents and over forty countries—not counting the ones I was just passing through.
Interviewer: Why all that moving around?
Me: Remember how I was telling you about all that pot and LSD?
Interviewer: . . . . . . .
Me: Ha ha, just kidding. Totally unrelated. I just like to travel.
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in ten years?
Me: If I don’t get this job, I imagine I’ll be emerging from bankruptcy right about then.